Isn’t it funny how periods of your life can be defined by certain senses or memories? To this day, just the smell of lilacs can transport me back to my grandparents’ house and conjure up about a million memories. As a kid, I spent a lot of time there, and summers were the best. They had these huge lilac bushes that flanked their house and the smell was just amazing. I remember climbing the cherry trees that used to engulf their backyard, and picking fresh raspberries and peas straight from the bushes of my grandpa’s garden. Most summer days you would find him out in his garden, with large suspenders attached to his baggy, worn out denim jeans, tending to the huge corn stalks, picking the sweetest cucumbers and cherry tomatoes you’ve ever had, and zucchini that my grandma would fry up with eggs and onions for breakfast. And I’m not sure why, but the grass even seemed better there. I think it was when they still planted grass with seeds. The blades were longer and thinner, and a little sparser than the densely packed sod we have now. It was the kind of grass you could really lay down on and read a book in the hot summer sun. Ahh…all those memories come flooding back whenever I smell lilacs.
God things were simple then! I was too young to be jaded. The things that define periods of time in my life are so vastly different now. If you’ve read earlier posts to this blog you’ll know that rap music brings back a whole plethora of memories – but I wouldn’t say that is a warm fuzzy way to remember your college days, or your 20s, or your 30s, and so on and so forth. I mean, fashizzle my nizzle. Sure, I like reliving the days when I was up in da club, or riding dirty, but I can’t say that I would package those precious memories into a Hallmark card. I’m not sure how you would even illustrate that. Well, I guess that I can, but it wouldn’t be pretty.
But, even worse than having rap music trigger fond memories is the type of crap that defines us today. I think it’s much worse than rap. Are you ready for this people? It is all of the political Wieners out there. Yes, this period of my life – my “upper” thirties – is going to be defined by the political sex scandals – and others - that were going on during this moment in history. It seems like every time I turn on the TV, or read the newspaper, or God forbid scan Yahoo News, there is another political wiener that has reared its ugly little head and managed to find its way into the wrong vagina.
I don’t care if you are a Republican, a Democratic, a Tea Partier, or a Libertarian. Somehow, someway those wieners just won’t stay put. And true, I don’t mean to assert that it’s just political wieners that I am tired of hearing about, it’s everyone’s wieners. This, of course, includes Hollywood wieners, musical wieners, athletic wieners, and so on and so forth.
All these wieners are just overwhelming to say the least. I simply can’t wrap my mind around all of the roaming wieners, so I’m just going to have to pick one category – political wieners.
We shall call this the 2011 Spring/Summer wiener fest. Whenever you think of Spring/Summer 2011, you will instantly think to yourself, “Oh yah. That was the Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Anthony Wiener period in politics - the trifecta of wieners if you will.
First, there was Arnold’s bombshell - an out-of-wedlock “love child” with an absolutely heinous, big busted, old, Latina house cleaner. (I only use Latina as a descriptor; it adds nothing to the “ick” factor. I am married to a Mexican you know…no prejudice here). But seriously, this woman is borderline scary to look at. My friend once said – “It’s NEVER about looks.” Man, she was spot on. I’m actually quite amazed at the women men will cheat with. Often, they are the most unattractive, non-threatening, uninteresting types. So, if it has nothing to do with looks, it must simply be that they are “willing.” Now that is some tough criteria to live up to. Ugly and willing…I’m guessing those are the easiest types to come by!
Then, we had the John Edwards saga. This really isn’t a new saga. In fact, it’s actually old news about an old wiener that made its way back into the news because his wiener might actually have committed a crime. More like a white collar crime. The type of crime one gets accused of when misusing political dollars to support your ugly mistress who also birthed a “love child” while you were running for office on a “family values” platform while your wife was dying of cancer. Ewww. That was actually even hard to write.
And last, but not least, the third political wiener that will help define Spring/Summer 2011 for all of us is the Wiener himself – Anthony Weiner. I have to admit, in my opinion, this political wiener is really the less of all evils when it comes to the aforementioned scandals – but it is all how you look at it I guess. At least with this “wiener” there was no “affair” no “penetration” – or at least none that we know of – and there was no love child. Apparently he is just a guy who likes to “sextext” borderline gay-porn looking photos of himself to strange, slightly underage women. Hopefully his 2 week stint at sex addiction therapy a la Tiger Woods is working out for him. And seriously, if you are going to be named after a Weiner and engage in a sex scandal, perhaps you should consider changing it to something meatier and manlier, like Kielbasa. Anthony Kielbasa. Now, that sounds like something to talk about!
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