Even Better Than a "Man-ny"

After a series of unfortunate events, I decided it was time to take a walk on the wild side. This poopoo changing, time-out giver, cheerio scraper-upper was going back to work...part-time anyway. And like a message from the Gods, the perfect job literally fell into my lap. Yes, you can now call me Executive Director. I don't know why, but I just like that title. It sounds really important. And it is, in my organization of one. Okay, so I may just be the only employee. And I might just give myself my own reviews. But I have to say, I am doing an amazing job...and my boss agrees (Yes, that's me, but so what).

At this glorious new job, I can make my own schedule, work from home or the office, and it's only a half-time position. But what I like most is the fact that I have a reason to wear something other than my "mommy-wear" uniform and I interact with people who don't pout when I give them a time-out or call me "bad mommy" when I don't feed them cookies before breakfast. The icing on the cake is that I love both of my jobs even more now. I guess I'm one of those people that needs to be half in/half out of the workplace. It just makes me a better wife and mother.

Initially, the only draw back was finding a part-time nanny. Let's face it, the options here in Yakima are not great. I would even dare to say "dismal." But, just as everything else in life, if it's meant to be, things just seem to fall into place...and they did. A friend of a friend told me of this 25 year-old woman from Portland who had worked at the Parks Department Youth Program and nannied for a couple of families. She had just moved back to Yakima and would be very interested in the job.

Ugh. A young, 25 year-old prancing around my house during the summer months - probably in a tiny bikini around the swimming pool - made my stomach turn. What dumb-ass woman would be stupid enough to pay for that kind of temptation? Not this one. I briefly fantasized about hiring a "Man-ny" and thought that could be the perfect solution to my dilemma. But, honestly, there is something slightly creepy about a guy who wants to watch little children all day. Reluctantly, I agreed to meet this woman. It was a necessary evil.

When she came to the door, and walked into my house, I have got to say that I have NEVER been so happy to see a lesbian in all of my life. Are the Gods smiling upon me? Am I really that fortunate? Have my prayers been answered? YES! A lesbian! That is so much better than a man-ny. And let me say, she is amazing! This lesbian is sweet, but runs a tight ship. She is athletic and artistic. She is punctual yet flexible. Basically, she is perfect.

I had to give her the low-down on each of the children and explain, in great detail, our "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy." Simply stated, don't ask the kids what they "want" to eat and don't dare "tell" them what you are making. That would be a huge mistake and would result in you making three different meals at any given time.

As far as my daughter goes, she is girly in a grungy kind of way. You might have to tell her to get her hands out her pants, or to comb her crazy wild hair that she refuses to maintain, but other than that, she should be golden.

My three-year-old son has a few anger issues, but nothing serious. When angered, he sometimes yells, "PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!" and then runs upstairs. We're not sure if that's normal or not. I mean, as an adult, I often  yell, "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!"  and that seems totally acceptable to me. Maybe that is the three-year-old version of that...we're not sure, but just thought I'd warn you.

And my two-year-old son is on the verge of potty training. And so is our 4 month old golden retriever. So, when you see a poopoo on the floor, be sure to rub the right nose in it. Unfortunately, they are about the same size, but have distinctively different odors. And Angelo, our son, has a tendency to announce that he is "Poo-Ping" just before he does the deed. We're not sure why, but he has been taking off his diaper and pooping on the floor. Sorry.

Tango, our dog, behaves like he is on crack-cocaine in the morning...and in the afternoon...and even at night. He thinks the kids are his play toys. He likes to get to second base with Angelo, so you have to really keep an eye on those two when they are playing outside in the grass. He also humps their stuffed animals, so try to keep those up high where he can't reach them.

After describing their imperfections in great detail, I was a little worried that she would run scared. But that's the great thing about lesbians, they aren't scared of anything. It reminded me of a saying that I use on my husband all of the time. I like to tell him, "If anyone CAN, Mexi-CAN!" And I feel the same way about my new nanny. She was the answer to my prayers. Her lesbian-ism even trumped the man-ny fantasy. It was a gift beyond my wildest dreams.

With a firm shake of her hand, I said, "Welcome to Funny Farm. You're hired!"