Certainly there are many professions that require training. In fact, I can't think of one career that would not. But I have to ask, what in God's name attracts any human to seek out training in people waxing? Specifically the waxing of the pubic region? I'm sure there are some thick, scary uni brows that might be hard to tame, but surely that can't compare to a hairy wildebeest with muff straight out of the 70s.
Well, lucky for most of us, there are a few daring women who chose to venture into this dark world of pubic hair waxing. I suppose these ladies also enjoy popping blackheads on their boyfriends backs, or peeling back layers of lifeless sunburned skin from their shoulders. I guess if you like the grosser things in life, than by all means, this might just be the perfect career for you.
One could argue that only those who regularly landscape their vajayjays would seek professional help. So, how bad can it really be? But we all know this isn't true. Case in point. Have you ever been to a nude beach? Surely nude beaches are filled with 20-something hard bodies with well-oiled 6 packs, right? Um, no. I haven't been to a ton of nude beaches, but back in the day, when I was a 20-something, Larry and I trekked our way through a deserted train tunnel in Cinque Terre, Italy to catch a glimpse of one of the most remote, pristine beaches in all of Italy. Now, he could have warned me prior to our arrival that it was a nude beach, but unfortunately, he did not. As we reached a rickety wood door at the end of our hike, we had to ring a bell and pay to enter.
To my surprise, a very tall naked Italian man opened the door, took a few Euros, and let us in. I couldn't help but to gaze downward at his disturbingly long (and not in a good way, but in a gravitational pull kind of way) man parts that suggested he had been living at this beach for decades. Getting past this lovely gentlemen was a small victory. Stretched out before us were a small handful of other "characters" who you would never pay to see naked...unless you were us. And we had, in fact, paid to be there. My point is, you never see what you expect to see at nude beaches. Just like you never really see a lipstick lesbian. I usually see the "Pat" type lesbians, or the hardcore softball player lesbians...never the cherry chaptstick kind of lesbian that Katy Perry sings about kissing.
So, back to the bush whackers - I mean, bikini waxers. You know they are seeing just the worst of the worst. Or, at least that is my theory. I've also found that bush whackers are really good at an array of things. For example, they might give really good facials - AND a mean Brazilian. They might shine at mani/pedis - AND a mean Brazilian. If you're really lucky, they might weave the best eyelash extensions - AND a mean Brazilian. You just never know. I even found one that house sits!
Speaking of eyelash extensions, the last time I visited the very talented Ms. Cayla at Winks, she had a few questions for me that I was not prepared to answer. After she laid me down on her plush, cozy massage table, and packed my lower lids with gauze and tape, she asked me, "Hey, do you write a blog, or something?"
Me: Yah. Why?
Cayla: "Oh, one of my clients was telling me about it. You don't know her, she found it through a friend. But she said that you said it hurt your eyeballs and you made fun of my decor."
Me: Well, I tend to embellish things a little bit. You know...to amp up the humor if you will. I've told you that I hate my eyeballs packed with gauze and I think I made fun of the elderly woman sitting in the lobby with her oxygen tank. Other than that, I only said good things!
In my head I am praying that she doesn't "accidentally" drip glue into my eyeballs, or rip out a few natural eyelashes on purpose. Her poky tweezers are dangerously close to my cornea and I am in no position to talk trash to this girl. And honestly, I LOVE what she does to my eyelashes! I'm sort of an eyelash junky now. Every two weeks I need a fix and I'm happy to give her $50 bucks to do it!
I definitely showered her with much deserved compliments and she seemed as though she might be the type of person who gets my sense of humor. I swiftly changed the conversation from lashes to bikini waxing - because that is so much more interesting!
I asked her about some of the nastier jobs that she has had to deal with - and there have been some real doozies. She left me with a few tips to pass on to those of you "first-timers" who might be considering a muff job sometime in the near future.
- So fresh and so clean, clean!Showering is of paramount importance. Don't think you can just go to the gym, get in a quick work out, towel down and head to your waxing appointment. That is a big EWWWWW... According to Cayla, you don't even have to go the gym to be gross. Just going about your "desk sitting day" can leave you foul, so by all means, why not treat it like a date? Shower. Powder. Spruce it up a bit.
- Tame the BeastYes, she will wax you. Yes, she will transform your shapeless landscape into something soft and pretty. For the love of God, trim the beast a little bit before you get there. She prefers to use wax, not scissors, and if your "area" is long and unruly, get out the weed whacker and tighten up that pretty little package.
- Too Long or Too ShortSize doesn't matter, but length does. For an optimum waxing experience, treat your pubic hairs like Goldilocks would porridge. Only instead of the porridge being too hot or too cold, you don't want your whiskers to be too long or too short. If that isn't descriptive enough, and you want an actual number to go on, let's just say 1/4 of an inch ought to be just fine - no more or no less.
- Say Hello to My Little FriendIf your waxing appointment happens to fall on "that time of the month" - it is okay to call in sick. It is actually preferred. Nobody wants to see your little friend - no matter how good you are at hiding it. 'Nuff said.
- Consistency is KeyThis is where I falter just a bit. As if I need another appointment on my calendar. Hmmm....Gynecologist once a year. Dentist twice a year. Hair cut and color every 6 weeks. Eyelashes every two. Mani/Pedi once a month (should be more)...and now I have to factor in a regularly scheduled bikini wax? In a word - YES. You can't treat your waxing routine like a yo-yo diet. Let it become a "lifestyle" - like your healthy eating and workout schedule. (lol).
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