Have you ever had one of those days where you just conquered the world? In all of your superstar glory, you were able to rise up (oh so early before the kids), pack every one's lunch, tidy up the entire house, stay on top of the dishes, and dare I say...shower? Wait! Not JUST shower, but put on some make-up, blow dry your hair AND wear something super cute and slimming? Well, that wasn't my day today.
As it turns out, I had been feeling a little under the weather. My throat was raw and throbbing and I was exhausted beyond belief. Let's just say a few things were falling through the cracks - the house, dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and my "every-other-day" bathing regimen. You know the old saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."
My sore throat went from the typical "sore" you would normally expect, to excruciating pain as if I had swallowed a mouth full of razorblades. My neck was beyond tender and my ear drums pounded louder than a marching band. This was serious folks.
My husband, being a doctor, is one tough critic. He must see a lot in the operating room, because unless me, or any one of my children, are bleeding out of every orifice, our ailment does not warrant a trip to the physician's office. So, when he took one look down my throat and started calling in favors to all of the ENTs (Ear, Nose &Throat) doctor's he knew, I found myself proud that I was, in fact, actually as sick as I felt, and then, a tad disturbed that HE thought I was as sick as I felt.
After a quick trip to the specialist, he informed me that I would need to head straight to the hospital for a cat scan with contrast dye. Oh joy! Not exactly what I was hoping to hear. Can't you just shove a few antibiotics through my system, put me on "bed rest" and call it a day?
So, here I am, in my own hospital gown, strapped to the CT table, when the technician says, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" Well, if there is a God out there, and my $600 Mirena is working as it should, I don't think so." But just the thought of being pregnant again scared the crap out of me. It got me thinking about all the pregnancy prevention I had participated in my 38 years of life - and the first time that my prevention efforts failed.
Flashback about six years ago. My husband and I were not exactly "ready" when "we" ended up pregnant for the first time. In fact, I was the textbook definition of pregnancy prevention - 32 years to be exact. I was a well oiled machine. Never once did I skip a beat. Never! So, I was a few days late it seemed. But it felt like I was going to start my period any day. I had all the signs – my boobs hurt…I was crampy…starving and bitchy. It just never came.
At the time I was working in downtown Chicago on Michigan Avenue. I marched right into the Walgreen's drugstore below our offices and snuck back to the aisle that contained pregnancy tests. I felt like a teenager on the cusp of being caught by her parents. This was extremely foreign to me…and a little bit comical. I bought the cheapest test I could find because the whole thought that I might actually be pregnant was completely laughable.
I found the prospect of purchasing this pregnancy test more embarrassing than buying condoms, vagisil, or sexual lubricant. I was sure that my boss would end up in line behind me and fire me on the spot for even contemplating starting a family. After all, who would he call in the middle of the night for all of his perceived marketing emergencies? I even asked the clerk to put it in a brown paper bag as opposed to the transparent plastic one she was about to hand me. I mean, I had to be careful. I had to transport this precious cargo up 44 floors. That can be a painfully long elevator ride, and crowded too.
After a successful elevator ride, I took my paper bag and my test and hunkered down in the first stall nearest my office. Trying to rip open the box and pee on a stick – inconspicuously of course – was quite a task. As I prepared to sit and wait out the 90 seconds, or however long it’s supposed to take – I was shocked and a little bit horrified that two blazing bright blue lines appeared almost instantaneously. There was no hesitation. It didn’t need to fully bake…it was just dripping with blue. If the stick could speak, it would have slapped me across the face and shouted, “YOU ARE PREGNANT YOU IGNORANT DUMB ASS!”
So, I did what any normal 32 year old woman would do in this circumstance – I marched right back down to Walgreen's and bought 3 more tests – each progressively more expensive. Strangely, the cost didn’t seem to change or alter the results. They all spoke the same language. They all labeled me as pregnant.
"Holy crap! I am pregnant!" A flood of emotions ran through me in an instant – complete shock, disbelief, and strangely, a tinge of utter amazement. Dare I say a drop of excitement??? Just unbelievable. I was not sure how I was going to break this to my husband, but just so you can understand the implications of his reaction…let me give you some background on our relationship.
I met this man – or boy, I should say – in 1989 when we started dating in high school. So we had dated for 11 years, and been married for 4 by the time I took this pregnancy test. You would have thought I was telling my 14 year old boyfriend by the way he reacted. “What? Pregnant? We can’t have a baby! We can’t afford or support a baby!"
Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. I mean I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant. Clearly I had successfully prevented such a horrifying event from occurring during the last 14 years – but I didn’t think it was so ridiculous and inconceivable that this could actually be happening and maybe even be a good thing? Then he even insinuated I had “trapped” him. Well…if it takes 14 years of being together – not to mention – MARRIED – than he had fallen victim to my prey.
This might appear to be an unlikely response, but then again, you don’t know my husband. Let’s just say he doesn’t take major life changes lightly. He’s a thinker. He went to a well-known Liberal Arts school, not just a state school like me. He actually learned things and is super smart. He reads and retains. He likes to weigh every single possibility with the weight of the world. He explores every avenue and then backtracks to what he believes is the perfect choice. Nothing is left for chance.
So, pregnancy really rocked our world to say the least - initially anyway. By the next morning, we were able to wrap our heads around this concept that we were going to have a precious little baby! And although we didn't even know it ourselves at the time - we concluded that we were ready. Sure, we were a little nervous and unsure of ourselves, but I would have to say we were excited, overjoyed, and optimistic.
We started talking about the baby's room. What would we name a baby boy or girl? All of the stuff that is so new and exciting to talk about when you find out you are having your very first baby. I remember strutting down Michigan Avenue on my lunch break feeling like I had this precious "secret" nobody else new about. We emailed ultrasound photographs to our parents and closest friends.
Unfortunately, at our 12 week appointment - you know, the one you are waiting for because it's perfectly "safe" to tell the world about your impending parenthood - we found out that there was no longer a heartbeat. I have never felt so empty, devastated and completely blindsided in all my life. The glass quickly went from half full to half empty in a split second. In fact, I think the moon may have eclipsed the sun and the sky went completely dark at that very moment. You spend so many months, years trying to prevent getting pregnant before you are ready. You just assume that it is going to happen. Slam. Bam. Thank Ya M'am!
But that just wasn't in the cards for us. Had we known that this miscarriage was just the first in a long series of miscarriages, I wonder if we would have worried a little less about pregnancy prevention.
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