Everything is Better in Brazil

I don't care if you are 25 or 65, apparently it is common knowledge that certain things are just better in Brazil - or at least things having to do with hair or hair removal.

It was just a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting at lunch with one of my favorite friends who just so happens to be in her 60s. We are in the process of planning a trip to the British Virgin Islands this March, so in discussing our upcoming plans, she informs me that we really should get "Brazilians" before we go. At first I was taken a little off guard. I thought to myself, "I don't know about you, but I'm not planning on wearing a thong on this trip...my thongs have been permanently retired thank you!"

So, after replying, "Gross," she asks, "Gross? Haven't you had one before?" "Well, yes I have as a matter of fact and I can't say that I enjoyed it!" She then proceeds to tell me how smooth and manageable her hair is after she has one and that it lasts for more than 2 or 3 weeks. Not only did I find that even more perplexing, I also found that it left me with a visual image that I wasn't prepared for. Smooth and manageable? Isn't the whole point to remove all of the hair involved in that area?

Call me slow, but I soon figured out that she was referring to a Brazilian Blow Dry - for the hair on your head, not the hair in your pubic region. I had never heard of that before, but it quickly put the conversation into an entirely different perspective - Thank God!

Now, I haven't had the "Brazilian Blow Dry" - yet. But I have had the experience of a Brazilian Bikini Wax. What a torturous phenomenon that occurs behind closed doors between two virtual strangers.

It wasn’t until I moved to Chicago that I realized how very neglected my vaginal region had been. I mean, I have had a bikini wax here and there…but never with any real consistency. And, being Italian, I can admit that I have a lot to work with. Let’s just say there are times when it can look a little like the subject of a national geographic pictorial.

Anyway, the bikini wax ritual became as mundane as brushing my teeth. However, there is nothing “mundane” about the “Brazillian.” You don’t even have to say anything more than that. The word “Brazillian” stands alone. And if you don’t know what it means – you don’t know what you are missing! And you might find yourself thankful for not knowing.

Oh, I’ll never forget my first one. My girlfriends talked me into it. They said it not only would change my life, but it would change my husband’s - and I'm all about positive changes.

After finishing a couple of martinis after work, we headed to the waxing studio. A studio that exists solely to remove pubic hair – strange, right? Laying naked on the table felt strangely similar to being at the gynecologist’s office – only a little bit worse actually. As the first waxy strip ripped from my pubic area I immediately wondered what had I gotten myself into. And let’s face it, there are some pretty delicate places down there. Thankfully I couldn’t see what was going on, but what I felt was red, raw and throbbing. Clearly the martinis had worn off, or failed to mask the pain. And just when I thought I had survived the excruciating procedure, I heard words that I hoped I would never hear again. “Roll over.” What? “You need to roll over.” Why on earth do I need to rollover? My heart was racing and other things were still throbbing, and then she explained, “I need to remove all the hairs around your anus.”

Holy Jesus. Let me explain something to you that I had wished had been explained to me before I signed up for this horrifying ritual. A Brazilian wax removes all of your pubic hair down there. All of it. Lips and assholes included. If you’re anything like me, I didn’t know that hair grew on assholes. That’s pretty gross. Finding out your asshole has hair on it is pretty devastating for sure. And since she was down there with wax in hand, I hesitantly decided to go for it. Wow. What a mistake. I couldn’t tell you if it burned, itched, or just plain felt wrong, but all I know is that it was the worst pain my asshole has ever felt.

When I finally emerged from the death chamber, I found my girlfriends giggling just waiting for me. Oh yes, they had their laughs and eventually I laughed too. But I can honestly say, I have NEVER had another Brazilian. Now I just ask for a “French” bikini wax – trust me. That’s all the waxing your vagina needs.