Are You There God? It's Me, Amy...

Every Saint has a past, and ever Sinner has a future. Can I hear an Amen!

Yes, this was my favorite quote from Phaedra, Atlanta's newest housewife. Phaedra should know. Her mamma is a Baptist preacher and she is the epitome of a Southern Belle - her words, not mine. Geez. Maybe I really am a black girl trapped in a white girl's body.

I loved the saying though. So simple, but so true.

Religion can be such a personal and passionate topic - especially when you feel lost and uncertain about it all. It's not that I am uncertain about God...I just cannot debate my thoughts and feelings based solely upon scripture. While I might not agree with everyone on every issue, I am open to listening to other people's beliefs and religious preferences. And, I am respectful enough to think everyone has a right to express their beliefs however they choose to do so.

Do I believe in God? Yes.

Have I ever "felt" the presence of God? No.

Does that make me a bad person? Maybe.

I admit that growing up Catholic left me defunct on one major subject - The Bible. If I think back to all the times I went to church, my first Communion, and later, my Confirmation, I really only remember complete and utter boredom. Sure, I knew when to sit, when to stand, when to kneel, and when to recite after the priest. While the "up" "down" "up" "down" "kneel" "down" "up" certainly kept the old people from getting a DVT, the content of the message never really resonated in my soul.

I did, however, find comfort in the ritualistic nature of the ceremony. Life brings so much uncertainty, but a Catholic mass, to me, has a tranquil peace about it. I also love the beauty of the church itself. The ornate stained glass, vaulted ceilings that seem to echo the priest's songs, solid wood pews, and the formality of the mass gave me a sense of respect for God. Walking through the Vatican in Italy instantaneously brought tears to my eyes - I definitely felt the presence of God there.

I sporadically attended CCD - no, I cannot even tell you what that stands for - and I honestly do not remember ever learning a thing about the Bible. To this date, my husband will ask me, "Remember that one story in the bible about..." Um, no I don't. As a  matter of fact, it doesn't even sound vaguely familiar. Surely there are millions of Catholics out there who study the bible and can, in fact, recite scripture. Apparently I am not one of them. Needless to say, my attendance eventually went from poor to non-existent.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up with a very strong "relationship" with God. If I had to categorize, based on my limited experience and exposure, I would say his family leaned more towards Evangelism. Going from the strict, controlled, ritualistic Catholic mass to loud music, people dancing in the aisles with arms and hands open to the sky, seemed a little weird. Okay, really weird. I felt completely uncomfortable and like a total outsider. I have way too many inhibitions to be so uninhibited.

At first, I think the easiest reaction to any uncomfortable situation is to mock what you do not understand. Let's face it. There appears to be a lot of material to work with. And even worse, I had a very hard time buying that all the emotion was real. Grown men with tears in their eyes in total and complete surrender? Small groups of people huddling around individuals who need prayer? What next? Was the guy in the wheel chair going to get up and walk right before my eyes?

As I grew older and started having kids, I found myself really conflicted about religion. (Or, my "personal relationship" with God...whatever the preferred terminology is). On one hand, I truly believe in God. And on the other hand, I do not read the bible, attend church, or believe that I have actually ever felt his presence. Something tells me there is a disconnect here.

The problem is, I never felt completely fulfilled with Catholicism. And to be honest, when in the presence of ultra conservative Christians or Evangelicals, I want to ram the tiding basket up some body's... Never mind.

I cannot stand hypocrisy and/or judgement of others in any capacity. I understand that I appear to be the judge at this very moment, which I guess is true. But I am also not trying to portray myself as holier than anyone else. I am not claiming to be perfect, God-like, or saved while I cheat on my spouse, sleep with prostitutes or molest small children (that one is for all the Catholics out there!). That, to me, is a total turn off.

I am also turned off by others who think they are somehow a member of the ONLY religion going to heaven. Can you categorically declare that ALL Mormons, ALL Catholics, and ALL Muslims are going to hell? Really? In my heart of hearts, to the core of my being, I just do not believe that one bit. Again, maybe that is spelled out exactly in those terms in the bible somewhere, and I admit I could be completely wrong. And if that is the case, then guess what People? I will have to answer to God himself when I arrive at His pearly gates. As will all the Catholics, Mormons, Muslims and hundreds of other self-proclaimed religious folk. Ultimately, is not God the only person that can and should judge us anyway?

Until that moment, as I continue my personal quest for a relationship with God, I would like to accept others as they wish to be accepted. I would like to have tolerance for people and their individual choices. I would like to believe that this, too, is how Jesus would live. I refuse to believe that I am more accepting, loving, and tolerant than Jesus Christ himself.

I do know that in order to be "saved" there are a few things you have to believe. So, before you all, here is my open letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I admit that I am a sinner, deserving of Hell. Please forgive me of my sins and take me to Heaven when I die. I now believe upon You alone for my salvation, apart from all works and religions.I call upon you as my personal Savior. Thank you. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Now, I have prayed this very prayer before and I do honestly believe it. Unfortunately, for me, I still do not feel God's presence on a personal level, and maybe I never will. I do long for the day that I can have a "conversation" with him like so many others. I think that would be one conversation I would be interested in having. So, I guess I'm asking...Are you there God? It's me, Amy.

Hello? God?

Are you there?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?